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four letters from my Mom and God by Michael Fasbender
This book is a defense for my mother. For years I grew up mad at my mom. I had many bad thoughts of who she was. I never knew my mother and saw her last at her funeral in 1999. It wasn't until she was dead that I started to think about her goodness. I don't know if it was me just getting older or my desperate need and longing for a loving mother. Looking back it was God reaching down into my heart to heal me. My mom wrote me four letters in 1982 that would shape the vision of her. The letters gave me a hopefull vision in my head for the last 32 years. I would read these letters in tears for hours just thinking of who she was. Most of this book is my imagination at work, using my life, my struggles,and my thoughts. The letters are real. The prayers my mom prays about us kids are real events that happened, like my sister meeting a good husband. It's my way of adding my mother to my life now in 2010. I have forgiven my mom thanks to Jesus ( my new father) . Hope you enjoy this short book. My next book is called Orphan on the orange couch , its about my life after these letters. Yours truly Michael Fasbender.
Hello my name is Racqueline Colonna. Today is October 9th ,1982 a few weeks before Holloween. I never really liked holloween ,and Iam not going to like it this year. Last week one of the most painful events of my life was played out write before my eyes. I knew it was only a matter of time before the Lord sent His hand of protection on my kids. I was sleeping on the couch at my dads when I heard a knock at the door. I wasn't ready for what would happen next. I saw a police car in front of the house. My heart skipped a few beats. I just had this funny feeling that something crazy was going to happen today. I ran out the back door allmost knocking over my brother Michael. Looking back I knew I should of ..... Well it just hurts to bad to talk about it. Let me get a grip. I feel so bad that they…. They took my babys from me. Iam hurting so bad. I feel like I could have prevented all of this , but there's things that have a strong grip on me right now. I was hiding in the garage when I heard all the kids screaming to my brother to rescue them. I wondered at first if maybe Page my oldest boy ran off, but then I found out later they grabbed all three. The thoughts going threw my head write now are not normal. I don't think I can handle all of this pain. It's been a week and I heard nothing on where they are or what there doing. I bet there scared to death. I really did put them threw scary stuff didn't I. ? God are you out there? Lord Iam so mad at you right now. Please God please , Iam so sorry for failing as a parent. You know my struggles Lord, why don't you free me from these drugs that are running my life. Sorry Iam back I just had to vent a little. I've been in the same place all day praying with the nuns. They are helping me as I stay in this temporary placement. At times it seems like the road ahead is just so far away. I wrote the kids about an hour ago, and could not keep myself together. kicking the drugs has got my emoitions going crazy. It's not like the nuns will sneek in some drugs so I can get a fix. Iam sorry yes , the letters. I will read the one Iam sending to my Michael . If I can just keep my mind off of trying to function without drugs. I put a really big Smily face on the top , all the kids will like that.
Michael
Hello blue eyes! How's my little Mike doing today? As I told page,
I went to church to pray for all of us today. I miss you and know that you miss me. That will be taken care of soon though. Mom wants you to be a good boy and help Page and Racky, as they themselfs help you. Take care of yourself and yours and the lord will do the rest. Until I write next, take care and God speed. I love you
Love you allways+ forever your mom.
All I can think about is singing my favorite song to the kids. I just want them in my arms. I wonder if little Page is mad at me. I was such a bad mother. Lord please shine your light on this. I want to go visit them with my mom soon.
I might as well give you a little back ground on my life. It wasn't a walk in the park you know. Being older then all the other kids in the house I didn't really have any role models to look up too. If I ever looked up to anybody it would be my parents. . My sister Maria is the oldest and I love her. As with everybody else I must say that Drugs will ruin every relationship. I know my dad loves me but who wants to hang out with there dad all the time. I feel like a little girl just trapped in this body. I do drugs because it's the only way I can feel normal. I'll get back to you in a little bit the nuns are calling me. God bless Racqueline.
Iam back and the nuns have been really helpfull in leading me to prayer. I talk to God often and it seems like he never answers, but this time he answered. I heard him I really did. Let me share it with you. He told me not to worry about the kids , that they are in his hands. He also told me that he is in controll . He is in controll of all things. (Hab 2:20) I then asked Him why? Why not just help me stop taking these stupid drugs. He said because I love you, and have given you all you need to stop. It hurts me Racky to see you like this. I love you so much, and when I made you, I had great plans in mind for you. I went as long as I could. I had given you so much mercy and even held back some phonecalls for a few weeks. Do you know how many hearts I have change this week? People are worried sick about you. Your father can't even sleep at night, because he is up talking to me about you. Your son Page and Michael who I made with my own hands where left for a week alone in that old house. Do you even know how many people came in and out of that house to harm those kids. I will have to heal them of those wounds later in there lifes. Racky, I love you but you must realize it's not all about you . You can't live being focused on yourself. I will help you and I will allways help you but you must trust me and surrender your life to me. I know your scared inside, but I will heal your wounds if you let me. Don't be scared. The enemy Satan has filled your mind with so many lies. You needed to be a light to your children. When you where writing that letter I was working threw you to reach your kids, so go back and read the letter to Michael and I will show you. When you are talking to me you cant help but to be a light.
Are you there? Ok so I did what God told me and he amazed me . I notice that I said the Lord will do the rest. God then told me that Michael will carry the words from this letter for his whole life. If you failed as a mother by not giving him the riches of this world its ok. You have given him a priceless treasure. The words of his mother saying that the Lord is real and He will take care of him. I just helped my kids get closer to Jesus. People work there whole life for that and God just promised me that my kids are in his hands. He will take care of the orphans. Maybe tonight I can sleep. I miss my kids it hurts I side to think there miles away. Good night Jesus.
Ok I can't sleep, Iam just overwhelmed by how powerfully prayer can be.. I wonder if my kids will be thinkers like me. Thoughts got me into all this trouble in the first place . My thoughts rule my life. Iam always worried about absolute nothing. At the moment I have my husband on my mind. I wonder if God is talking to him. Iam sure he is not hanging out with nuns. Aaahhhh. Iam so mad at my husband. He promised me a good life. I have so much anger built up . How did this happen we used to be so great together.
Everything was fine with me and page for while and slowly it started going down hill and then bolted really fast down hill. There was something about Page that made him stand out from all the other guys. He had a gift to gab. He could talk anyone into doing anything . Stupid creep. He ruined my life. God hello are you... with me?, I need you God. Iam allways hear my child just talk to me. Lord will I ever be able to forgive Page?. Why do you want to forgive Him Racky? Is it to free yourself, so you can feel better? Forgivness comes out of love my child. Only I can give you the love back for your husband. You don't have because you dont ask. Racky, this may take time . You are dealing with forces that are greater then yourself. You are In the fight of your life . The enemy is trying everything in his power to thwart your plans to reconcile with your family. The devil is working in people you dont even know. He is trying to prevent you from seeing your kids again. Stay strong Racky.( Iam with you.) Think of all the hurts that Page has gone threw in his life. Remember the things he told you. He told you those things because he loved you. He hoped you could see threw his smooth talking and seen him for who he was. He did love you . Page has been hurt so bad he has put up many walls to hide his true heart. The problem is that he has locked himself up behind his own walls. Just like Page had a key to your heart, you had a key for his. Both of you threw your keys away, and live as inmates of your own flesh. It is I, the Lord who is the master key cutter, but you two never came to me. Nobody has ever really seen the door to Pages heart. Many people have given up on him, but I have not. Little did you know that I use all things for good . The letter you wrote will effect your son, and I will give your son the tools he needs to break down that wall in pages life. Michael has found the key that was lost. Michael will try to use that key one day. Iam telling you this so you have a chance to see my glory. There may be a day when wonderfull things are done in my name because of your letters, but you may not see them. Page is still a child just like you, and I planned your marriage for my glory. My plans will succeed as I use everything for good.
I remember the first time Page took me to a party. That's when first used the hard stuff. It was like the world was lifted off my shoulders. I really need to get a grip, I have so much anger , I need someone to talk to. I guess I can't go around blaming the world for my actions, but I feel like a victom here. Did you ever have dreams as a kid? I used to come up with these crazy ideas and I had everything going good for me. I remember walking down the hallway in school when I would turn around and have two guys checking me out. It is a good feeling to know your pretty. I just want to feel pretty again . I long to be pretty. I hope and pray that my baby girl Racqueline will always feel pretty. I pray she will not go threw a bunch of jerk guys. Yesterday , I prayed that she would meet a nice loving husband that will guide her threw this tough world. Every girl wants a prince charming to come sweep then off there feet. One day I will be rescued I just know it. I have dreams of page becoming clean and we get all the kids back together. The look on little pages face when we got in that rubix cube for Christmas, and Michael with his big truck. That reminds me of the other day when Chris was told me that little Michael jumped in the front seat of one of the guys work trucks . They said they just saw the truck start rolling down the driveway. They all ran out of the house and before you knew , he ran into the fence across the street. This is the same kid that jumped head first into a swimming pool at 2 years old. My Michael is going be a wild one. He's my wild one.
I talked to my Mom today. I love my mom. She told me that She and Dorthy are going to see the kids. Dorthy and Mom got all the kids gifts. They got Racky a Teddy bear, Page a bat, and Michael a glove. She also said I will be able to visit them soon. I'll have to bring the ball. My brothers and sister have been so supportive of me. I never wanted to put them threw all the hurt of seeing there big Sis go threw all this. I wonder how little Marcus views all that’s going on with me. I hope it helps him to stay away from drugs. My brothers and sisters love my kids . They would always play with them when they were at my moms. There were times when I would see the kids at home and I wanted to take them to my moms. I never wanted those kids to see any off the stuff they saw. I was so out of my mind. Time after time I forgot all about the kids. Each time I neglected them the pain would get more intense and I would have to cover it up with drugs. I dug myself so deep this time. I do see a lite at the end of this tunnel. I hope its not a train coming head on. Till next time Racky, God speed
I feel bad for my Dad. He loves me so much and hates to see me this way. My Dad is a nut when it comes to protecting his babys. He would walk miles and miles if he knew he could find me. I always worried about my Dad showing up at the dope house I was staying at. He would probably come in there and shoot the place up to rescue me. If I had one hero, it would be my Daddy. I always thought of me having his characteristics. There are many things that Dad would do and I totally understood him. Iam also a reflection of my Mom. My Mom is a prayer warrior. I bet she was up many nights with Dad praying for me. Lord are you there? can we talk? It's so odd how I feel really close to God during the hardest times in life.
God, I really need your strenght in this moment. What should I do? (Breath) You want me to breath? Racqueline, I want you to understand that all you have to do is breath, and you don't even do that on your own. I will take care of you . Trust in me, and I will guide your path. My plans are not to harm you. The war that wages within your members is fierce, but Iam greater then your enemys. They surround you only to see Me,and then they tremble and run with fear. Iam a strong tower that you can run into for refuge. Come under the protection of the Most High God. I love you Racky. You are the apple of my eye , and part of a chosen people. Blessed are the week for they shall call be given the kingdom of God. Iam here with you and any place you go.
Thank you God Iam going to write another letter. I'll start with Michael’s first. My brother Michael tought me how to draw a pumkin, so I will put one on the top. He will like that. Here we go October 13 , 1982
Michael,
Hello blondie. What are you up to today?
Are you being a good boy? I hope you are.
Your a good boy most of the time anyhow.
Iam sending you a holy card that I recieved
From the nuns who came to see me today.
Have page help you read the back of it ok mike?
It seems alot nicer out today than yesterday.
Pretty soon it will be holloween soon right?
Then you can get dressed up and go out
tricker treating Oct 31st. I bet you can't wait.
Am I right mike? I miss you alot and love you even
More. You kids are always on my mind and in my heart.
Remember to say your prayers and help your brother and sister as
They will help you. I love you mom .
It was really hard to write that letter. Iam so emotional at the moment. It seems like to days are going buy so slow , but for some reason I know that this will work out in the end. Sometimes I can block out the pain , and sometimes I see hope. Where is my hope?. What hope do I have after messing up this big? I have two way to dell with this. Slowly go threw the pain and have God heal my wounds . The road seem so hard and long . I don't know if I can do it. I have alot of fixing to do with many people. Or I can resort back to drugs and running from my fears, and that looks easier, but then again, is it? When my heart longs to be freed from bondage it's screaming on the inside. Meanwhile my outer shell is knumb all around me on drugs. Iam torn at the moment. Lord please help me to trust you. I want to do the right thing but there's a part of me that dosnt. Lord I can see how you have your hand on this situation , why else would nuns wanna hang out and talk to me. You sent them to me Lord. Do you really love me that much with all the hurt I've caused you . I heard your voice the other night when I was getting into that car. I also heard your voice under the street light. I didn't listen Lord, even with your warnings. So you sent these nuns to talk with me so maybe I would listen. I heard all that they said and I listened to there prayers as they prayed for me. One of the nuns told me that my life is a battle for my joy. She told me the enemy wants to take it all away . What more can they take from me Lord ? They already took my life. I have not seen what joy looks like in a long time. I miss joking with my sisters and eating junk food . I can't even enjoy a simple bar of soap anymore. Lord please give me my joy back.
I was reading the bible about an hour ago when the lord had given me a word. The part when the lady touched the back of Jesus robe, so he turns around and asked who touched me? It was a women who Jesus told ( women your faith has made you well) that encouraged me to pray . As I closed my eyes I went to a safe place and pictured Jesus there.... I was on a swing and I was a little girl again. Jesus was laufing with me to see who could swing higher. I was trying to go higher than Jesus. Sound funny. Then Jesus got off the swing. He took my hand and we started to walk down a path together. He ask me who I was walking with? I said it is you Jesus . He said why can you see me? I didn't have an answer. He then said you see me because I gave you eyes to see me. Racky you believed you would see me as you closed your eyes. You asked me questions earlier in your prayers. I heard your cry, I always do. Racky, 2000 years ago I overcame the world, do you know what this means? Somewhat I do. I mean I want to know what it all means. I always believed in you I guess. I just couldn't figure out which way to go to be more like you. I pray, I read the bible, I listen to my Mother tell me about you . I guess it's because my Mom talks so much about you I couldn't help to believe. Then Jesus said ,Racky you see me.!!! What do you see? I see Jesus. What you think of me is who Iam to you. Do you think I have the power to heal you.? Yes I do . Then you should heal. Jesus what do I have to do? What do you want me to do. ? Racky it's nothing you do, it's is my father in heaven who is the producer of our faith. So I have no controll what so ever over my faith. My child you have a free will to choose. Choose what? Choose to believe that Iam the full payment for your sins. Choose to believe that nothing you do can make me love you less. Racky if you didn't get the kids taken away do you think you would be talking so much with me latley? Not really. So if nothing you do effect who you are then that means who Iam is all that matters. Racky, Iam I enoughf for you. ? To be honest with yourself is the best thing to do. I allready know the answer. I want you to have it in your heart and not in your mind! The lies start In the mind. Then they open up your heart for all kind of evil to dwell in you. Racky, I have the power to heal you but I can not dwell in your heart if there is evil in it. . Lord I know you can do it , but for some reason I can't do it unless you are dwelling in me. I will allways be with You. Racky you must repent racqueline and Godly sorrow leads to repentance. What is Godly sorrow lord?and how come iam so sorrowful at this moment. Your sorrow comes from Seeing my goodness for who Iam. When you see me for who Iam, you can't help but to see my glory. I shine the light on all things and to some the light hurts. Racky let my light shine in you so you don't have to run from me anymore. How? Agian racky if you believe when you ask and if you come before me with sorrows, then I shall come and dwell in your heart Racky. It's not a one time thing , eachday each minute, each season of each year, you will choose a path . The path you take is up to you. While walking each path there will be suffering hurts sorrows and trials. If the path you take is the write path you will have me to hang onto duri
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
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dope new music
new albums out fire of the year
Dope New music . Hey what's up y'all hope you enjoy the dope new music about 3 to go check them out
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new music
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Wednesday, August 18, 2021
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